the eternal struggle between my head, and my heart.
more than likely the heart is going to win. Conciously i heed what my brain has to say.. but it never fully makes sense when emotions are surging through my veins. People laugh at garry. I should laugh with them. He was a collosal mistake. Except that i cant, because i still have the scars. And i dont like people laughing, because it may sound funny for a 15 year old girl to fall in love with someone twice her age, but it sure as hell isnt. He ruined me. He may not have intended to, but how can you tell a 15 year old that you love her, and then refuse to hold her hand in public. How could he say he loved me, if all i was, was his lunchtime distraction. He told me he wanted noone but me, and that he would leave his wife to be with me. I was in love with him, i so eagerly ate up his words because i needed to hear them. And he played me along for four years. And i blame him for not letting me grow up. While other girls were coming into their own, i was nothing but confused, degraded, and constantly wondering about my own worth. It took me a phenominal amount of strength to finally leave him. I never ever want to have to do that again. I am proud that i did what i did. And im proud i told him what i thought of him. That he was nothing but a sexual predator, an asshole, and a very weak man. And it took me 4 years to see it, and say it. And now he's gone from my life, but not entirely. Most of the wounds on my heart have his name on it. and then there are the cruel reminders.. the stuffed bean bag dog he gave me when i graduated.. the mug we painted, that stupid song by macy gray, and even when i hear it now i blubber like a fool.. and he's long gone.
well.. not long gone. He tries to get me back, he phones me, and emails me.. and tries to make me understand that he did love me and still does. but that isnt love, or at least, thats not the love that i want.
i dont know exactly what love is.. i only have a little girl fantasized notion of love.. and im still looking for it.
love shouldnt hurt, it shouldnt make you cry, or worry. Love should be like continuous laughter.


  posted by sonal @ 10:24 PM

 
the last one left a bad taste in my mouth

  posted by sonal @ 6:38 PM